So I guess you could say I’ve been avoiding writing this for a long time now. I’m ashamed to even call myself a blogger these days as the last thing I seem to do is write any blogs. That’s right, it’s been NINE long months since I last sat down and put any effort whatsoever into writing one. I hate even admitting it as I am proud of what I do and I have loved blogging for so many years now. Whether it be reading or writing them it’s just one of those simple pleasures that always makes me happy.
So why the wait? Well to put my finger on exactly why it’s been so long would be next to impossible as it feels like a million little things put together, as well as just avoiding it. I can’t explain it but one month went to two and two went to three and before I new it I just felt utterly lost in the blogging world and community too. I’ve tried to keep up with events and networking and even though I’ve managed to do that somewhat, I just couldn’t muster up the energy to actually write anything.
I have gone through more in the last few months than I care to delve into. Since Harper (my daughter) has been born a year and a half ago my life has just been all kinds of hectic. I knew for sure my life would change and be busier than I could imagine but no one on this earth could have convinced me just how crazy it can be. Don’t get me wrong she’s an amazing child and I really don’t have much hassle with her but the day to day stuff just seems to bog me down into feeling a little trapped. It’s like I can’t get anything else done other than change her, feed her, wash her, entertain her, comfort her, love her and just be with her. I guess I need to take more time to really figure out how to multitask at being a mammy and an actual human being at the same time.
Unfortunately, I feel awkward even writing this, I suffer with that all too common word these days, depression. I handle it as best I can and I have more support than I could possibly want in my partner but he’s really the only person in this world who knows about it, until now. I’m in no way embarrassed about it I have just never felt the need to talk to multiple people about it as that never makes me feel better so what’s the point? Although I’ve been recommended on numerous occasions by my doctor to try medication, I choose not to. Not that there is any shame in doing so but my personal preference is to just handle it my own way and not to rely on a pill. Whether that’s right or wrong is still unknown to me.
I have this way of putting things off and literally feeling like guilt could eat me alive at any moment. Even with that feeling I will continue to just avoid things and act like they’re not happening. It sounds so awful when I write it out but it’s something I need to address and putting it out there might actually make me accept it and try to change, rather than numbing my own brain with the guilt every time I don’t do what I want or should do.
The only reason I’m even writing this now is because I can feel”The cloud” coming. It’s how I refer to it when I feel like I’m getting into a spell of being down. I wish there was a better way to describe it but it wouldn’t really do it justice. I feel great some days and out of nowhere I’ll find myself over thinking and starting to feel a bit sad and then it’s like a cloud comes over me and it can lasts hours, days or even weeks sometimes making it impossible to feel any other way other than heavy. My whole body just feels like it weighs more, like I’m carrying around this dead weight that I cant shake. It sounds ridiculous I know but the times when I’m in a happy place I honestly do feel lighter physically as well as mentally.
I would love to keep going and explaining everything that I no has been the problem over the last while but I honestly don’t feel like going deep into my personal life will help me or anyone else for that matter. My main goal is getting serious about blogging again and taking the time out to do what I want and feel human again. I recently read a quote (from a teabag no less!) that said “Peace of mind comes piece by piece“. Nothing could describe how I feel better than that. Piece by piece I’m putting myself back together and striving to be better. No more excuses- I’m back!
To every one of you across my social media accounts I’d like to say thank you for bearing with me all this time. My Snapchat, Instagram and Facebook still gets a great reaction from you and I always love receiving your messages. So thank you so much for hanging in there even when I thought I couldn’t do it any more!
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